Umm I'm too high to move.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
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My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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