i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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