I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
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This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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