Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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