There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize