Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
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Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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