If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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