Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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