he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
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you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
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There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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