I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
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i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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