I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize