i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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