I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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