her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
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on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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