This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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