You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
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Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
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The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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