I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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