Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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