Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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