i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
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It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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