Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize