Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
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I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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