she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
is wine microwaveable?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize