Everything about him screamed your future.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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