If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All the doctor said was why
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize