I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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