roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
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Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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