Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
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Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
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I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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