Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
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After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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