um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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