There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
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Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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