Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
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Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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