and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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