I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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