We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
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This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
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Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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