I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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