Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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