After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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