If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
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WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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