You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize