please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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