Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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