i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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