for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize