my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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