this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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