I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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