How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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