Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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