just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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